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Focusing Inward

December 13, 2010

I don’t know if it’s due to the season, or if it’s more related to my pregnancy, but I’m finding myself focusing inward.  The rhythm of my days have changed dramatically over the past month or so, and for the better.  Time is being filled with holiday crafting, with our Advent activities, with cozy afternoon naps snuggled together with my son, with play dates and family gatherings, with quiet peaceful evenings at home.

I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this content.

Unfortunately for this little blog, my blogging has fallen by the wayside.  My husband has been getting up with Shane in the morning, allowing me the luxury of a little extra sleep. And I’ve been shutting the computer down in the evenings, choosing to either snuggle up on the couch under one of my grandmother’s afghans,watching TV with my husband.  And more often than not, nap times have been spent napping, rather than sneaking onto the computer.

If I’m not napping with Shane, rather than sitting down in front of the computer, I’ve been settling in with my journal.  It’s pages have been filling with with my hopes and fears surrounding this upcoming birth, and with my regrets about the circumstances of Shane’s birth.  I’ve been writing about my desire to make changes in my life — to simplify, to want less, to live in the moment.  I’ve been reflecting on who I am,who I’ve been, and who I hope to be.

It’s awe-inspiring, how a simple pen, a book of blank pages, and uninterrupted quiet time can be so therapeutic, so thought-provoking, and so revealing.  I’d like to say that I’m back to blogging regularly again…but I may find myself baring my soul in my journal just as often.  There are times when you just need to focus yourself inwards, and I’m so very thankful to have that creative and emotional outlet available to me.

Blog Anniversary

November 27, 2010

The date passed me by…which actually isn’t all that unexpected, with all the semi-organized chaos leading up to Thanksgiving Day that had me busy and distracted.  A year ago this past Tuesday, November 23rd 2009, I started this blog. I’d been blogging on LiveJournal for several years, but that was written with my family in mind.  As my blogging changed and I began to focus more on my writing, some of my posts inadvertently caused drama.  Drama that made me question why I was writing, who I was writing for, and where I wanted to go with blogging.

I didn’t have huge expectations or huge hopes for this particular blog, I just knew that I needed a safe, semi-anonymous, creative outlet.  My original blog is still up, and I post periodic little family updates for the grandparents and other interested family members.  But my writing, my heart and soul, is shared here.

I spent some time looking back through my earliest posts on this blog, rediscovering where I was, and who I was as a blogger and a person, just this time last year.  I was learning how to slow down and cherish the moment,  enjoying the simple happiness of puddle-jumping, feeling bittersweet as my son grew big enough to hike, reveling in finding a few moments of peace, and experiencing the wonder of Christmas through a toddler’s eyes.

This past year of blogging has been indescribable.  I’ve meet so many remarkable women who are becoming wonderful internet friends, and I’ve learned so much about myself — about who I am right now, about what is most precious to me, and about the life I strive to live.

Thank you, everyone reading this!  Thank you for the amazing impact that you’re having on my life.  I’m so grateful for your thoughts, your comments, and most importantly, for your friendship.

Here’s to another year!

{this moment} Sisters

November 26, 2010

{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Post inspired by Soulemama‘s {this moment} series.

Simple Thankfulness

November 25, 2010

I had thought that if I was able to find a few moments to write today, that it would be to write an entry full of “I am thankful for A, I am grateful for B…”  A laundry list of gratitude.

Last night — or more accurately, very early this morning — I woke up.  Wide awake, staring at the ceiling, tossing & turning, trying desperately to ignore the slight hunger pains and my mind’s bizarre instance that I must have apple slices this very instance, or else.

Eventually, I gave in, grabbed my glasses from my nightstand, and headed for the kitchen.  If it was to be a long, sleepless night, I might as well get my apple fix.

Deciding that I might as well take advantage of this unexpected quiet time to catch up with a few of my favorite blogs, I prepared my snack and settled down in front of the computer.  I read, I laughed, I teared up at times…and I snacked, of course.  And then I opened up a new post on my own blog, intending to write the obligatory Thanksgiving “I-am-thankful” post.

Before my fingers touched the keyboard, there was a noise from down the hall.  A sudden, brief yelp, some sleep-garbled words,  a soft sob…then silence.  I hovered, waiting, not breathing not moving not making a sound, hoping he’d drift back off to sleep on his own.

No such luck.  From Shane’s bedroom came a shaky, teary cry.  “Mommy? Mommy!  I neeeeeeeed my Mommy!”

Curled up beside him in his twin bed, our foreheads touching, with his arms holding me tight —  one draped over my neck, the other hand sneaking under to tangle in my hair — I shushed and murmured and soothed the tears and nighttime fears away.

Gradually, his breathing slowed and steadied, his grasp in my hair loosened, and the tension eased from his body as his arm grew heavy and limp across my neck.  He nuzzled close, legs drawn up so his shins rested against the curve of my stomach.  I nuzzled close, curling my body protectively around his, and breathed him in.

My baby thumped and squirmed in my womb, and my child sighed and slumbered in my arms.

I felt pure happiness.
Peace.
Contentment.
Love.

There, in the dark, in the silence, it struck me.  I don’t have a vast, exhaustive list of things I’m thankful for.  It’s much simpler, and so much bigger, than any list could cover.

There, in the dark, I was thankful for this quiet moment.
I’m thankful for today, for the here and now,
and I’m thankful for all the little moments that make up my todays.

NaBloPoMo? Whoops!

November 22, 2010

So I never posted yesterday. I thought about it, once, not long after curling up beside my husband in bed for the night. For a brief, insane moment, I contemplated crawling out of bed and turning the computer back on…but quickly realized just how ridiculous it would be if I followed through.

With that one missed day, my attempt at successfully completing NaBloPoMo this year just fizzled out. I don’t regret not posting yesterday, nor do I regret signing up. My entire reason for even trying to post once a day during the month of November wasn’t to prove anything, or to “win” some intangible bragging rights. I just wanted desperately to get back into the habit of blogging again.

I’m still going to try to post once a day for the rest of the month, just to continue reestablishing the blogging habit…but I’m not going to stress if a day (or two!) passes me by with nothing being posted.