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Missing Someone

January 16, 2010
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Shane -- one week old

Where else can you express your deepest thoughts and most intimate feelings, if not on your anonymous blog for virtual strangers to read? 

I’ve spent the past week standing in front of the calendar.  Counting, recounting, and counting the days, over and over again.   Wondering, hoping, dreaming…

I thought I may have been pregnant.  I woke up yesterday morning to find that I was wrong.

We weren’t planning to start trying for a second child until after Shane’s second birthday, which is next month.  So while this would have been just a hair earlier than we had agreed, both my husband and I were cautiously optimistic.

Who am I kidding?  He was cautiously optimistic, while I was getting ready to start searching the Dona website for local doulas.

So here I am — most definitely not pregnant — more disappointed than I expected to be, and feeling ridiculous for being this sad about something that never even existed in the first place.  And yet…my arms are aching to hold another newborn.

A close friend told me that you just know when your family is complete…and by the same token, you know when there’s a member still missing.  I look at my little family and know that there’s room for someone else in our hearts and our arms. 

I can’t wait to discover who it will be.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2010 9:26 pm

    I completely get this. I thought I might be pregnant this week too, but for me, it would be a really bad time for it to happen, so I was relieved I was not…..kind of. I know that with my known fertility issues, and the fact that our family won’t be ready for another baby for at least a couple more years, there’s a good chance Shea will be our only child. I’ve made peace with this, kind of, but I find myself missing being pregnant, and I find myself actually feeling what it felt like to have him moving around in there again.

    So, if I can feel this way knowing it was not a good time to get pregnant, I can appreciate how much harder it must be for you.

    There’s also something to be said for timing, and for that new little baby to come to you when it’s right, not just when you want it. He/She knows when he/she is coming.

  2. January 17, 2010 6:15 am

    That is absolutely true…I wasn’t at peace until my last one. Good thing too since I’m old, lol! Great post…and good luck! Kim

  3. January 17, 2010 12:13 pm

    I’ve had those moments too….those moments I think am and want to be then am glad I’m not yet because I’m not yet ready…..Here’s hoping it comes when it should! I mean, he or she comes when he or she should.

    So sorry for your disappointment!

  4. January 17, 2010 4:48 pm

    I felt this way after my first. I knew we would have another one after him. My daughter, however, was a surprise. One that we weren’t sure we ready for until she arrived. Now, I can’t imagine life without her.

  5. January 17, 2010 9:35 pm

    This is the sweetest post! I love your way with words. May you get everything you want!!!!

    Big hugs,
    Mags

  6. January 17, 2010 10:29 pm

    Oh this is lovely. I am sorry if you are sad, because sadness is so appropriate. You will complete your little family, it will happen. You must not try to control it. Let is happen sweet girl. And be okay with the sadness. I posted for my 40th birthday (I’m old) that one of the saddest things in my life was not seeing a pregnancy to completion. It’s hard and woman aren’t willing to talk about it. You will have another babe and it will come when it’s time. I just know it.

  7. February 6, 2010 12:31 pm

    I know what you mean–that hope of what might be, it’s so easy to cling to it and will it to be real. And when it’s not, well, it can be an empty feeling, like (as you put it) something’s missing.
    But there is still plenty of hope…that this “something” (or someone!) will make its way into your arms soon…

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